When did I realize that the time had come? When you asked me to spend a 3rd year with you in Kazakhstan (October)? When you made me burst into tears once again with your constant stream of criticism (November)? By December 2015 I was interviewing for a position in another country…in the Middle East…where women cover and can’t drive and must have a guardian to do almost anything in her life. But what of it? If it meant I could get away, if it meant leaving you, if it meant pushing you to .the limit and forcing a decision from you. Our friend said you called and told him you were afraid of losing me. So another proposal to be taken back…again. Who can believe anything that escapes your mouth.
No saying I love you. Your words. Then when it was time to count down the days, suddenly, you were telling me all the time. I love you. I love you. I love you. I mumbled it back a few times. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. Didn’t you cry into my lap as I packed? My poor baby, my poor baby. And still you had moments where you couldn’t control yourself. Where you had to badger me yet. Make me cry. My tears and screaming at you on the street; we on our bikes; what a sight. Had Taldy ever seen anything like it? What a decision to resign a month early to get away from you. Sure I had a family excuse, but that was a lie. It was time to run and I ran so far away. Thousands of miles to get away from you. I reached home and got in my car and drove. I drove until I couldn’t drive anymore and still I couldn’t get far away enough from you. Christ, I was in your homeland to the North. I saw so many sights that in a normal relationship I should have seen with you, but it wasn’t meant to be.
Your mom was so confused when I visited. How could I have been job searching in December when I didn’t learn my contract was not being renewed until March? My eyes tearing up; my mouth set firm to say nothing. The confusion in her face and my heart breaking.
I ran so far away.
Then it was Greece and refugees and stress and sadness. I cried some times and then I didn’t cry at all. Now, I’m here and you admit that you checked my FB page. I seem happy. Really? I remembered your birthday the day before…out of the blue and suddenly and I cried. I’m so happy? Trapped on a compound, listening to the same music every day, wondering about you. The good, the bad, the ugly. I’m in pain, but less so. There’s no one to badger me. There’s no one to criticize. There’s no one to make me burst into tears on the street. I can spend my money and do the dishes the way I want. I can go to bed at the hour I feel. I can wear my make-up and if it makes me look old…shrugs shoulders…you knew my age from the beginning…and for a little while you didn’t care…and then it became every thing. Oh well, are you lonely? Are you sad? Do you miss me? I miss you. No matter what. How stupid…how weak we are. I’ve ran as far as I can go. I love you. I love you. I love you. Why didn’t I tell you so?