Door Knob

He was so charming. He could charm the shine off a doorknob, and the doorknob would still turn and never know it was nothing more than a way to get out the door.

 

A year…

How can you still be heartbroken after a year?

Flying Down

You took me flying down that day.

Do you remember?

I held tight to your waist;

My cheek pressed to your back.

The wind tugged my hair, wild and restless, childlike.

I held all the strength and warmth

that I could,

Pondering distance and direction.

A heartbeat strong and sincere.

Almaty mountains in the South,

but always mapped as if North.

One must know the city.

We were heading down

an Almaty mountain.

Secure,

knowing no harm would come.

We flew–

The wheels turning, burning

Nothing held us back

Mountains tore past

Trees waved, snow laid ageing on the ground

The rush of wind froze my nose

We were flying.

Pavement churning speed demons on a bike

People in cars waved and smiled admiring

Lovers, doing crazy lovers’ things that lovers do

How fast?

Too fast, oh let’s go faster the heart beats

in its own song.

And we headed, safely, surely, down the mountainside

In the moment alive

No threat, no car, no wreck, no danger

could swerve us.

Ha, a bump in the road?

Determination held tight

in love with you

A compass moored into place

A beacon followed, not mountains misplaced

Oh,the grace of your muscles

A torn knee that day

Injured and ruined a future race

But we were heading down

an Almaty mountain,

safe.

The White Death

You worried for my health as you gave me facts and details you had learned from the Internet about ‘the white death’. And I only half listened, because something will kill us after all. It was not good enough…that I cut back on the amount of sugar I ate. Oh no, and after a time, you declared that you learned to not care. I could kill myself if that’s what I wanted. You shamed and snarled–and smoked cigarettes, calmly blowing the smoke out as you watched the world from your window. You liked them. You liked the way they gave you a slight buzz and the way you could roll the cigarettes between your lips. It wasn’t often you smoked, but smoked you did. Hypocrite! It all makes no sense to me now. Why I let you bully me! Did it make you feel taller, smarter, better? Like those cigarettes rolling between your lips?

 

He Pissed like a Horse

A memory of early on

She was nervous. He was coming over soon and the thought of it made her heart pound a little too much. After all, she was old enough to be his mother. Yuck!

But did it matter? He went to the bathroom, left the door open. Oh goodness, he pissed like a horse. And thoughts bigger than the sky ran through her head. Really? Could it be true? If he pissed like a horse, well….

Just not yet, but now she knew, and she smiled, her heart pounding a little too much.

I still think of you.

I hope where you are; you will meet someone. Then tonight, I think how it will be if you do. I almost cried. I didn’t. I just wanted to. If you love someone else, you won’t love me. I still for a moment wanted you to love me.

I said no more…

I said no more…I simply can’t. I can’t keep holding my breath while saying this pain isn’t killing me.

So I told you not to write, and I wouldn’t write you.

Then I opened up Facebook to public. You could look.

You with your anxiety, and I knowing you would be lonely for a while,

and maybe sad and lonely for a time.

You could see how I was doing in the little lies I would tell,

so no one would worry about me.

And we did not communicate.

Then you sent me a forwarded email from a friend. What pearl of wisdom was I supposed to gain from this? (eye roll) I wrote you back.

Then we started texting that led to chatting that moved on to talking.

Marry our common friend you said. The two of you together will be great, you said.

Then, no!

let’s become Muslim or Mormon, and I’ll marry you instead. Give me cake and let me eat it too.

Have you lost your mind? You searched online. You looked at websites where couples were looking for second wives. I laughed because surely you were joking. Then I realized that for a moment–you weren’t joking. It felt scary, and weird.

It took a few hours and you called again to say I deserved better.

I KNOW I deserve better.

I know it the way birds know the way to migrate, but somehow I don’t believe it.

I want. I long. I pant. I breath. I inhale. You. From thousands of miles distant.

(whispers**the wind doesn’t even have to blow my way**)

I invited myself to where you are. You were so excited and writing such horny texts. I felt uncomfortable. I told myself to play. Then I couldn’t. It felt like a betrayal against my OWN better self.

Have you slept with someone I asked? Since I’ve been away. Since we broke apart.

And you had.

Of course.

I cried and cried and cried, not knowing what I was crying for. Now, I don’t know if I care.

You keep calling because we HAVE TO STAY friends. You’re not my dog; you’re not my problem.

But if I cut you carefully, fully, out of my life, who will you have? Your parents, some friends, and then???? **Open parenthesis “You’re not my dog; you’re not my problem”**Close parenthesis.

You say you could cut me out of your life, but I won’t say the word. Why do I have to say the word? Even you know you’ve hurt me enough.

Stupidly, I keep putting myself in the line of your fire. How that fire burns.

You video call while lying in your bed,

and you look so handsome,

so untouchably sexy,

so far away. I, in Saudi Arabia,

and you, in Kazakhstan.

I will be there soon. I will stay with friends,

and maybe squeeze in a few hours to see you.

I’m keeping my distance.

I won’t be another woman, any other woman, for you to have. You had her already, and she…didn’t…please…you.

You want to be free of me, but you want me to be…

in some form, by your side.

When will I be sick enough of this?

When will I divide and conquer my very soul, that sometimes feels like you are trying to crush.

Why?

What punishment, oh God, is this? Do You laugh at Your humans squirming upon the Earth? Or do You sadly shake Your head because You designed us for so much better? And we fail, even as the tide of time moves slowly to and fro, not stopping for any sound, nor the fluttering of any heart.

My heart.

I will grow old without you.

I know.

I always knew. You at 27 now, and I at 47 now.

You still have this ability to make me laugh.

For you, I want to be something so much better, a human as perfect as God designed,

you would truly love me then. A little fool’s dream, and a prisoner’s sentence to die.

What is possible and what is impossible can never be the same. It is perhaps possible I will love  you until the day that I die.

Equally true, is that, it is perhaps impossible you will ever love me enough…as I am.

Our First Date

Of course, I have to write about our first date. I don’t know why it hadn’t occurred to me before! The memory brings a smile to my face. Hard to believe, huh? I have a picture of him in my mind sitting across from me in the restaurant. He looked so charming, and sweet, and vulnerable. He wanted to please me so badly. He wanted the night to be so perfect. Our first date…what a laugh! We had already been living together for three months at least. Did I ever say we moved fast? So fast we had never been on a ‘real’ date until after living together for that much time! Yes, laugh! Be happy! Feel light! It’s how this memory makes me feel…so shouldn’t I share it?

What was the name of the restaurant? I can’t remember. Viper? Vroom? Something starting with a ‘V’. It eventually closed, and no wonder, the service wasn’t the greatest and the food was hit and miss. Except the night we went. Recently opened, it was lovely. There was a Russian singer and a small wooden dance floor. We ordered too much food and were greeted by some of his students. I wanted so badly to look beautiful for him. I wanted so much for him to be proud of me. We shared our dishes and as usual he had to order something disgusting…well, only if you find beef tongue disgusting I suppose. I don’t remember my meal. And when I asked that we dance. He agreed and took my hand and led me to the floor. Did I wear my red dress? He held me tight and spun me about, and oh how well he could dance! It felt like dancing amongst the stars, and there was no one in the room but us and that Russian singer to be heard.

He had this way of looking at me that said, “You are the most amazing, incredible, special woman in the world.” Oh, I believed it. I had never known a man to be so intelligent, talented, handsome, and graceful, and this one liked me…HE LIKED ME! I saw it in his eyes, I felt it in his touch, I heard it in his heartbeat, I tasted it on his tongue. He liked me! And for a time, he LOVED me.

How I wanted to pull him to me and hold him tight. We had such a magical, magical night! Shooting silly pellet guns and going to the children’s arcade, but hey, they had a bear ride (like a mechanical bull ride) that threw him off, and we raced each other on a video game, and he let me win at least one game of air hockey that I love to play so much. We were silly and laughing and in love, so what did it matter if we acted like children.

Our first date…and I loved him so much!

I ran so far away

When did I realize that the time had come? When you asked me to spend a 3rd year with you in Kazakhstan (October)? When you made me burst into tears once again with your constant stream of criticism (November)? By December 2015 I was interviewing for a position in another country…in the Middle East…where women cover and can’t drive and must have a guardian to do almost anything in her life. But what of it? If it meant I could get away, if it meant leaving you, if it meant pushing you to .the limit and forcing a decision from you. Our friend said you called and told him you were afraid of losing me. So another proposal to be taken back…again. Who can believe anything that escapes your mouth.

No saying I love you. Your words. Then when it was time to count down the days, suddenly, you were telling me all the time. I love you. I love you. I love you. I mumbled it back a few times. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. Didn’t you cry into my lap as I packed? My poor baby, my poor baby. And still you had moments where you couldn’t control yourself. Where you had to badger me yet. Make me cry. My tears and screaming at you on the street; we on our bikes; what a sight. Had Taldy ever seen anything like it? What a decision to resign a month early to get away from you. Sure I had a family excuse, but that was a lie. It was time to run and I ran so far away. Thousands of miles to get away from you. I reached home and got in my car and drove. I drove until I couldn’t drive anymore and still I couldn’t get far away enough from you. Christ, I was in your homeland to the North. I saw so many sights that in a normal relationship I should have seen with you, but it wasn’t meant to be. DSC04178.JPG

Your mom was so confused when I visited. How could I have been job searching in December when I didn’t learn my contract was not being renewed until March? My eyes tearing up; my mouth set firm to say nothing. The confusion in her face and my heart breaking.

I ran so far away.

Then it was Greece and refugees and stress and sadness.By the beach with the ids.jpg I cried some times and then I didn’t cry at all. Now, I’m here and you admit that you checked my FB page. I seem happy. Really? I remembered your birthday the day before…out of the blue and suddenly and I cried. I’m so happy? Trapped on a compound, listening to the same music every day, wondering about you. The good, the bad, the ugly. I’m in pain, but less so. There’s no one to badger me. There’s no one to criticize. There’s no one to make me burst into tears on the street. I can spend my money and do the dishes the way I want. I can go to bed at the hour I feel. I can wear my make-up and if it makes me look old…shrugs shoulders…you knew my age from the beginning…and for a little while you didn’t care…and then it became every thing. Oh well, are you lonely? Are you sad? Do you miss me? I miss you. No matter what. How stupid…how weak we are. I’ve ran as far as I can go. I love you. I love you. I love you. Why didn’t I tell you so?

No Respect for Privacy Known as Vengeanace

Caro E

Zarina L

Kamilya O

Sarda K

Aigerim S

Balnur

Ainur T

Saniya K

Viktoriya P

Kamilya A

Your list of ten to travel to Almaty for. How stupid of me to offer to get our friend’s cap from your flat! And how you went on that I should stay and play with your kitty. Play with her. She looked lonely when I left, play with her. I halfway agreed thinking I would just get the cap and leave, but no…I had to glance around and look what I found right on the desk just waiting and where had your kitty run off to…wasn’t she just here and now she’s gone and I’m looking at your list of ten…with abbreviations to remind you which girl you found on which website; what times they could meet you. In the morning, in the morning, in the afternoon, at noon, 4-5, in the evening. On and on. What is this? A marathon. Are you so desperate to replace me? Is your ego so bruised? Is it so difficult for you to be alone? And these poor girls! I’m sure they aren’t expecting a ring yet, but how many will you actually meet today? And will any of them know that you are meeting with another? and another? and another? God bless them each and every one if they find you charming.

Vengeance is mine saith the Lord. But until then, I wonder if they will find their names here and wonder. Who is this? What is this? Why is my name here? Why is my privacy disrespected? Why is his privacy disrespected? Grow uneasy, squirm fretfullly…hopefully not scared though. I’m not after a single one of them…but you…desperate, pathetic little boy. Be my friend with benefits…be my cuddle buddy. Was that a week ago? Two weeks ago? When you asked me to degrade myself and give you what you want while you pretend to care about my feelings? Why does it hurt? Why does it twist in my gut and leave my mouth sour?

Vengeance is mine saith the Lord. What vengeance HE has wrecked on me. Surely my sins did not warrant loving you like this and having you tear my heart out like that.